Sorry For Your Loss - what to say when someone passes away?

I watched my mum take her last breath when I was 12. Since then, I have grown an intimate connection with grief. I hope to bring to light this topic that is rarely spoken about. More importantly, I hope that this will help you to better support your friend who is grieving.

Have you ever been in a situation when a friend’s loved one passed away, and you’re not sure of what to say? I asked a few friends who experienced loss, and thought hard about the things that were most useful to me. Here’s what’s most useful.

✔️ Validate and support, don't try to fix anything.

1. If things get difficult, know that I am here for you. (write your number)
2. Take your time, I'm always a call away.
3. I can’t imagine how you must feel...
4. Silence, give a hug
5. You can talk to me about your mum/ dad/ (loved one) whenever you want
6. Tell me more about her (during a conversation when your friend brings her up) 

The most important thing to remember is that your friend does not need you to fix anything. You cannot bring their loved one back to life, and that’s the reality. The situation cannot be fixed, and does not need to be fixed. Instead, acknowledge that pain and missing are parts of all our journeys. The best thing you can do to walk with a friend, is to:

1. Validate their emotions. To create a space where they feel safe to share with you the messy, heavy emotions. To make them feel okay to share, even if you can’t relate to it. You don’t always have to have the same experience to listen. As long as you show that you care and you want to listen, your friend can feel it. Remember that this is about them, not you.
2. Show your support - through validating their emotions, your friend will feel more supported and know that you will be there for them through the tough times. Depending on their language of love, show your love for them.

“If things get difficult, know that I am here for you.”

This shows that you understand that things will get difficult. Saying this will make your friend feel seen, especially if they are the kind of people who don't like to burden others with their worries. Acknowledging that it WILL get difficult - makes them feel like you will support them when they need it.

“Take your time, I'm always a call away.”

Your friend will appreciate the space you create for them. Sometimes people need to process things alone. By telling them to take their time, you are not giving them pressure to talk to you, or update you on how things are. Letting them know that you are a call away gives your friend the reassurance that you will be there for them when they need you.

“I can’t imagine how you must feel…”

Instead of saying you "know" how they feel, saying this instead gives them a chance to identify how they feel. You can then continue by validating their emotions, instead of jumping the gun to say that you know. Oftentimes loss is really lonely. No one knew their loved one like they did. Give them a chance to share, by opening up a space of “not knowing”. 

“Silence, give a hug”

Sometimes if you really don't have anything more to say, stay silent. Silence can be the most comforting form of presence. You are there for your friend, without pressuring them to respond to you. A hug can mean the world. I have a friend who sat with me in silence at a park for 40 minutes, while we just stared into space. I didn’t have the words. But her comforting presence was all I needed. 

“You can talk to me about your mum whenever you want”

This gives your friend the option of talking about their loved one’s death if they feel like. People tend to shy away from conversations about death, because we are unsure of how to approach it. But sometimes intentionally avoiding it, or worse - pretending that it didn’t happen at all, would make your friend even more uncomfortable. You can follow up with the line below, if you sense that your friend is ready, and would like to share more.

“Tell me more about her (during a conversation when your friend brings her up)”

This depends on what stage of grieving your friend is in. You may feel scared of upsetting your friend when you bring up the person. But oftentimes, he or she would love to share with you more about them. They would appreciate you wanting to know more about someone so close to their hearts. In Ed Sheeran’s song “Visiting Hours”, he sings

“And everyone I love will know exactly who you are”.

Talking about our loved ones helps to keep the memory of them alive.