You don’t know how to swing yourself because you haven’t learned the way momentum works - To kick your legs out when you swing forward, to hook them back when you swing back. You flail your legs in the hopes of keeping the swing going - but it gradually melts into a pause.
You didn’t have the chance to ask how you could push yourself. You didn’t know the push would leave.
For me, the push was my guide on how to do life. For each person, the push carries a different meaning. It is a life you used to know. With this gaping void, you feel different. You wonder how you can continue to live another day without this familiarity.
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Loss will look different to you, to me, to everyone. We may feel similar things, but the situations in which they manifest will differ.
The road is empty. You have your own lane. Drive at your own speed, stop your car when you need to. There is no destination, you only have the ride.
You only have one companion on this road trip. Its name is Loss. It's your friend in the front seat, changing the radio tunes, controlling the GPS, talking to you.
At first, you will try to ignore it. It's a new friend you never knew before. In all your years of existence, people came and left. But this one, never before.
You may feel annoyed, bothered - even angered. You don't like its presence at all. You may even hate it. You build walls around it in an attempt to block it out of your life. You may try to chase it away, but you realise that the car doors are all locked. Defeated, you soon realise that it's here for good.
Why not make friends with it? Since you can't chase it away, might as well learn to enjoy the ride. When you give yourself permission to get to know it, you will begin to feel something different.
You will feel less resistance in your heart. You begin to take down the walls you built against this stranger. You start to acknowledge its presence and respond to it when it speaks to you.
Sometimes, it leads you to places you never wanted to go. But later in the journey, you realise these were destinations you would never have searched up without it. You used to shut your ears to the tunes it played. But soon, you learned to appreciate the nuances in the new sounds. You never invited it into your car. But it ended up becoming your best companion.
You will soon realise that Loss is actually Love, wearing different clothes.
But you will only realise this when you get to know it well. When you learn to embrace all its flaws and antiques. It changed its clothes, but beneath its disguise, it's the same friend Love you always knew.
More than anything, it taught you more about yourself.
Whatever you let out, will reflect back at you. If you treat grief with kindness, it will treat you kindly. Simply because it reflects yourself back at you. Your journey with this new friend will not be easy. But it will be one of the most fulfilling ones in your life. It will be just as fulfilling as the one you had with Love. In fact, it’s Love 2.0. Trust me, it'll be worth it. Give yourself a chance.
With you,
En
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