Sorry For Your Loss - 5 things (not) to say

Sometimes words can come off the wrong way, even with the best intentions of comforting your friend. Grief is intricate and complex - you might have worried about saying the wrong things before. I interviewed my friends who lost loved ones, and these are the worst things they’ve heard.

X Trying to fix, explain or minimise the loss

1. I know exactly how you feel, my hamster died too
2. That is so sad, I'm so sorry
3. At least...At least he's in a better place... at least you still have your mum
4. Just give it time. You'll be okay after a while
5. Pretending as if nothing happened

"I know exactly how you feel, my hamster died too"

Oftentimes loss is extremely personal. It is hard to relate to how much this person meant to your friend. In this case, comparing your hamster to your friend's loved one - might just make them feel like punching you.

In rare cases - for instance, if your friend lost their parent and you lost your parent too - you can tell them, "it must be so hard, it was very hard for me when my mum passed..." But keep the focus on them, not yourself, unless your friend asks you about your experience with loss.

Acknowledging how hard it is and bringing in a slightly more similar situation can bring comfort. Because your friend will feel like you understand to some degree. But never try to compare the

Apart from very similar cases, never try to compare their loss to yours. Remember that this is about THEM, not you.

"That is so sad, I'm so sorry."

Pity is a no go.

The last thing a grieving friend will need is for you to remind them of how sad the situation is. Yes, it is sad, but he or she is sad enough. Pity does not make someone feel understood.

Rather, use empathy. Show you understand by saying doing 5 things instead

I often felt like I didn't know how to respond to an "I'm sorry", apart from a feeble "oh it's okay". Not because it was really okay, but because I didn't know of any better way to respond. Remember not to say things that make it tiring for your friend to respond to.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-we-sometimes-enjoy-pity-and-how-to-stop/

"At least he's in a better place"

While it can be true that their loved one may not need to suffer anymore, this view carries a judgement. It has a connotation that it was a good thing that their loved one passed on. Your grieving friend may not share this view with you. By saying it, you may make them feel misunderstood and unable to share their true feelings - perhaps they wished for more time with their loved one, but because you said this statement, they may not feel safe to share anymore.

Never say "at least" - you are invalidating how terrible they feel. This will make them feel unheard, and prevent them from wanting to share more with you. While yes, they may still have other things to feel grateful for, reminding them about the good things does not make the bad things any less bad than they are.

"Just give it time. You'll be okay after a while"

This is an example of toxic positivity. Stop trying to tell your friend that they will be okay - because the truth is that this loss is so devastating, they are wondering if they will ever be okay again. Instead, learn to create a safe space - that lets them know that it's okay to not be okay.

Their situation is not something to be fixed. They don't need you to make everything okay. They just need to know that they have someone who's there for them, when they need to cry or just be sad with. Sadness is not something to be chased away. Instead, the closest friends are those we can be our most vulnerable with - when we are a mess and breaking down, the friends who accept us in this raw state are the true friends.

Pretending as nothing happened.

This is especially important, if your friend has gone missing for days - and they know that everyone was aware of their loss.

Pretending as if nothing happened will make your friend feel as if you are uncomfortable talking about it, or even acknowledging it. While you do not need to explicitly mention the death, you can just let your friend know that you are there for them.