I miss her. How?
This was the dominating thought in my head.
I'm not going to tell you that you will be okay - because that doesn't help. Instead, I will say - 10 years down the road, you will feel a little more okay. 10 years seems like a long time, but trust me, it will fly by.
She will be so proud of you.
In fact, today, she is so proud of you. Proud of you, simply because you are her daughter. She is not able to be physically here with you today, but that doesn't mean she loves you any less. You are one of the most important people to her, and nothing and no one will ever replace that.
When you think of her, let yourself remember the good times.
Write about her
Something I wished I had done, was to write about her. As the days, months, then years fly by, you will soon realise that it's hard to remember your memories with her. It's hard to remember them vividly, because of how much time has passed. You long to hold onto the memories forever, but they gradually fade into remnants of feelings.
It surprised me - how much the memories could just fade.
If you don't like writing, you can voice record yourself. Or find some way of documenting the stories. My future self would have appreciated that - to hold onto something tangible of her.
Keeping busy
It's okay to throw yourself into activities, to continue with your familiar routine. Some people think this is escapism, but I read somewhere that it creates the space for yourself to cope. Amidst the 180 degrees change in your life, familiarity will bring you comfort. It's okay to be busy, but know that this is a temporary coping mechanism for your body and mind to deal with the shock.
For me, I dived into studying and school. But I also learned that regardless of how busy you are, you cannot escape from the pain. You can only temporarily compartmentalise it, but it may leak into your daily interactions and routine.
I had days when I crumpled into a mess on the ground, out of nowhere. Sometimes you don't have a trigger, you just avoid missing her for so long that it comes like a tsunami. When this happens, let yourself mourn. It all comes from the same energy. An energy of love that has nowhere to go.
Not wanting to get out of bed
it's okay to feel this way - to feel like you don't want to face this reality of life without her. It's completely normal, trust me. On days like these, let yourself lie in bed. To feel the sadness in your heart. Acknowledging your sadness makes you feel seen. Only when you wholly accept how you feel, will you learn to manage these emotions. Only when you bring them to light, can you understand them and live gently with them.
Feeling like no one understands
Sometimes you may feel really lonely. Like no one understands how you feel, regardless of how much you share. That's okay. After all, no one knew her like you did. In these moments, sit with yourself. It's a great chance for you to acknowledge this loneliness - to learn to be your own friend - find the peace in being here for yourself.
It's not always a bad thing to feel lonely. I have learned that it teaches you to enjoy your own company more - because you're the only one who gets it. It teaches you to want to accept yourself more - because when you do, your understanding of these messy feelings will transform into your ability to empathise with others.
It's hard work, yes. But it's fulfilling work. Because in this lifetime, you are your most important friend. Learning to hold your mess and unwanted parts with patience and compassion, teaches you to treat others in the same way too.
Underneath it all, we all feel the same things. We just hold different storylines.
Embrace your story, and you will soon realise that we all suffer. In our own ways, in our own time. Embrace your suffering, face the pain that you are most scared of. Anything stored with pain has to be released with pain. Feel it with your whole heart. And when you stop running, it will bring you the comfort you always sought but never knew where to look.
With you,
En
%202.jpg)